The holiday season is in full effect, enveloping us in a whirlwind of festive activities and celebrations. We have successfully navigated through Thanksgiving, a time dedicated to gratitude and togetherness, and now we find ourselves on the cusp of a series of significant holidays: Hannukah, Christmas, and New Year’s. Each of these occasions brings its own unique traditions, rituals, and expectations, creating a vibrant tapestry of cultural significance. However, amidst the twinkling lights, joyful music, and the aroma of seasonal treats, it is important to acknowledge that this time of year can also be a period filled with stress and emotional turmoil for many individuals, especially our elderly family and friends.
Many elderly individuals experience significant hardship during the holiday season. Imagine reaching an age where there's no one left to celebrate with. Every time you turn on the television, you're bombarded with commercials emphasizing the holiday spirit. This profound sadness often affects our friends and neighbors in their 80s and 90s, who have lost their parents, siblings, friends, spouses, and sometimes even their children.
During the holidays, we often strive to do extra for our elderly relatives. Ensuring they are invited and have a place at the table is a great idea, as long as your loved one is mentally and physically well and can express their joy in being included. However, there are times when they might need a way out of the celebrations, and it's up to you to offer them choices, as they will likely follow your guidance.
Offering an out:
Remember that our perceptions of our elderly loved ones’ capabilities and wishes might not be current. Holiday celebrations demand significant money, time, and energy. Even though your mom attended Christmas and enjoyed it last year, it doesn’t guarantee she is in the same condition this year.
If your loved one is mentally capable, discuss your plans early on and be specific. Who will be present at the celebration? What is expected from the guests? What is the schedule? Make it clear that your elderly relatives are always welcome to participate as much or as little as they wish, and avoid making them feel guilty if your children or grandchildren have unrealistic expectations of them. Allow your loved one to join for a brief period without having to meet the expectations of younger guests, and always assure them that if they choose not to attend, you will celebrate with them on another occasion.
If your loved one has dementia, depending on the situation, don't feel guilty about not inviting them to the celebration. Even if you believe they would enjoy being there (or that the person they once were would want to be there), it can often be stressful for both the senior and the caregiver. For instance, if your mom is caring for your dad who has dementia, she might be preoccupied with maintaining his routine and unable to enjoy the party. If you have the resources, consider arranging for companion care during the event so you can focus on hosting and/or enjoying the party while your loved one is supervised and entertained.
Maintaining a routine for a loved one with dementia is important. In a memory care community, there are often holiday-themed events that fit within their routine, allowing you to celebrate and enjoy quality time together. If you decide to bring them to a celebration at your home, make sure it's brief, held during the day, and return them in time for their regular bedtime. If they become agitated, be prepared to adjust your plans and have an exit strategy ready.
The bottom line is that we need to not hold our elderly relatives to the expectations that we would have held for them in the past or for what we hold for ourselves during the holidays. As time progresses, the physical and emotional capabilities of our elderly loved ones may change significantly, leading to a different set of realities that they face. It is crucial to recognize that what may have once been feasible for them in their younger years, such as hosting large family gatherings or participating in various holiday activities, may no longer be possible or enjoyable for them now. This shift in ability should not be seen as a failure or a disappointment but rather as a natural part of the aging process. Furthermore, the holidays can often amplify feelings of nostalgia and longing for the past, which can inadvertently create pressure on our elderly relatives to meet certain expectations that align with those cherished memories. However, it is essential to approach these moments with empathy and understanding, acknowledging that their experiences and needs may differ from our own. By adapting our expectations and being flexible in our holiday plans, we can foster an environment that prioritizes comfort, joy, and connection over the pursuit of perfection. Ultimately, there’s enough sadness in this world to set yourself up for disappointing the people you love the most. Instead of focusing on what might be lacking or what has changed, we should concentrate on creating new traditions that honor their current capabilities and preferences. This may involve simplifying gatherings, finding alternative ways to celebrate, or even just spending quality time together in a more intimate setting. By doing so, we not only alleviate the pressure on our elderly relatives but also enrich our relationships with them, ensuring that the focus during the holidays remains on love, appreciation, and togetherness rather than unmet expectations or past disappointments.
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